The Dick Van Dyke Show-- starring Dick Van Dyke, Rosemary, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well hi, Jerry.

Hi, Rob. You got that suitcase?

Yeah, it's right over here.

Oh, fine. You sure you won't be needing it?

No, I'm not planning any getaways for a while.

Good. Now Rob, I'll be at that dental convention for days. But as soon as I get back, you've got to come and let me work on those teeth of yours. You've been putting it off long enough.

I was in six months ago.

It's been a year.

Has it been that long?

It's been that long.

Well, don't worry. I think my teeth'll hang on till you get back, anyway. I don't even need any work.

Let me be the judge of that. You may have grown them, but those teeth in your head belong to me.

All right, I'll take good care of your teeth. Have a good time at the convention.

Oh, I'm not going for a good time. I'm going to listen to a lecture on prosthetics and find out what's new in dentistry this year.

Why, that's very dedicated of you, doctor.

Well, how do you think I got to be the best dentist in the world?

You know something? You're always saying that. How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?

Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.

Oh, thank you kindly.

And who does your dental work?

You do.

See?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I know it was my idea originally, but now I don't like it.

Why not?

Well, there's no funny way to get into it. I don't know. Let's throw it out.

Yeah, I admit it's rotten, but we ought to put it down on paper.

Why?

So we got something to tear up. Look, it's an easy way to get into it. Alan goes to a concert and he got a piece of candy. Now, it's very quiet. He don't know he got a cavity in its tooth. He takes one bite in the candy, [HOWL]. Let's have a yowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he stands up and he says, I just broke a tooth. Is there a professor of philosophy in the house? And some guy stands up and says, if you just broke a tooth, why do you need a professor of philosophy? And Alan says, because I just broke a wisdom tooth.

Good, good. Then we go right into a dentist routine.

Good, good. I still don't know about it. No, look. No. No toothache sketch.

Why? What's funnier than a toothache?

Well, I don't know. People get squeamish when you do that kind of pain for them. We can do a sketch about pain, but let's do something funnier than a toothache.

I think toothaches are very funny. What's funnier than that?

An itch.

A tooth itch?

No. No. Alan gets this itch right in the middle of his back, and he can't scratch it.

Hey, yeah. That could be good.

Huh?

Say that he's a concert pianist. Right in the middle of a recital, he gets that itch right between his shoulder blades. And he--

Good, good. Do it. Do it, Rob. Do it.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

All right!

Funny, funny. Beautiful.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, Rob. I got it.

What?

I got it. I've got it. Play it again.

Why?

Play it again. Watch. I'm the conductor. The conductor notices the itch, and he tries to help him out.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Now I got it!

Well, it could be good.

What do you mean, it could be good?

I still like the toothache.

Better than the itch?

With the itch-- a concert pianist with a toothache and an itch.

Yeah, I don't know if that'd work. Ow! Ow!

Yeah, yeah. Right there! Good. Right, right. What is that? Don't tell me that isn't funny. Boy, that is [? spiritual. ?] That's it, over at the piano with the itch.

That could be--

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, that's hilarious. That's good.

That's good. That's good, Rob.

That's beautiful.

That's wonderful.

I hope all this laughter is the result of a sketch you've written for Alan.

Yeah, yeah. It's a pain sketch.

Hey, not that he knows what's funny, but let's show rubber knows how we got into it. Here we are, right here. Here, here. Show him how you did the bit. Get into the bit with the sandwich.

What bit? I broke my tooth on a sandwich?

You broke your teeth on white meat of chicken and white bread?

That's very amusing.

I am not being amusing. I broke my tooth on that sandwich. Why didn't I listen to my dentist?

Alan does that kind of sketch very well, yes.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Either Rob is a fantastic actor or he's crying real tears.

You-- you mean, this isn't part of the sketch?

No, but this bone is part of the chicken.

Wow, he broke his tooth on a bone?

I don't think he broke it on the mayonnaise.

Oh, oh!

Are you in pain, Rob?

Rob, is there anything we can do?

Wait, wait. I'll get something.

Hey, Rob. Try putting your head between your legs.

Yeah, yeah.

There, that's good.

Ah!

Oh, that's bad.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Rob, here. Take this. It'll relieve the pain.

[GRUNTING]

Did you give him ice water?

[GRUNTING]

Ah!

Aw, leave it to him. He's the kind of guy see you drowning, he'll throw you an anchor.

Rob, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't even think about its being cold.

Rob. Rob, shouldn't we call your dentist or something, you know?

Call Jerry and see if he could take me right away, will you?

OK.

Oh, I forgot. He's at a convention till Monday.

Would you like to try my cousin Irving? He's across town, but he an help you.

Is he any good?

Is he good? Why, he's so good he's lecturing at the-- oh, the same convention. I forgot. I'm sorry. Sally, how about your dentist?

Oh, he's wonderful. He's handsome. He's single. And he's a wonderful dancer.

How about teeth?

Yeah, he's got teeth.

[GROANING]

He's in pain and you're making jokes.

Well, he's too far anyway. He's in Connecticut.

Well, what about Dr. Bardhoffer? Alan and I both use him. I'll call Marge.

Hey, Rob. Isn't there something I can do?

Mama!

Oh, Sally, this is awful. What do we do?

Well, I think he'd appreciate it if you took the chair off his foot, right Rob?

[GROANING]

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Rob. Come on. I'll take you. Come on.

But I'll get you--

Well, it looks fine, darling. It really does.

[MUMBLING]

What'd you say?

I said it's only temporary. He's going to finish on Monday.

Temporary? It looks permanent.

Boy it does, doesn't it? You know something, honey? I hate to admit it, but this dentist is a whiz.

You like him better than Jerry?

Well, no. Jerry's a good dentist. I have nothing against his work at all. That's the difference, you see? One of them is a worker. The other one is an artist.

Well, what makes you think he's an artist?

Well, he's got his wall covered with his own paintings. He plays the violin.

While he's working on your teeth?

No, while the hygienist is working on your teeth. I tell you, honey, he's an artist.

Well, that may be, darling. But the artist is a stranger, and the worker is a friend.

Oh, don't think I wasn't suffering a guilty conscience the whole time I was sitting in that chair. If Jerry knew that his neighbor was getting his teeth worked on by some other dentist, I think he'd probably die.

Oh, darling. I don't think so. After all, this was an emergency. Jerry was out of town and there was nothing else you could do. He'll understand.

Oh, yeah. I know he'll understand about the emergency. But I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.

What other one?

That one.

Did he do that, too?

Yeah. It needed doing, but I could easily have waited for Jerry.

Well, why didn't you?

Well, I don't know. I was sitting there in the chair with my big mouth open. I thought I might as well let him drill away.

And that's why you have a guilty conscience?

Well, yeah, honey. Wouldn't you? I mean after all, Jerry's not only my neighbor, he's my friend. And he was my dentist.

Was your dentist?

Well yeah, honey. How can I go sit in his chair now and let him look at my mouth? He'll see those two strange teeth in there. He's going to be hurt.

Well darling, I go to my own dentist and Jerry doesn't seem worried about that.

Well, that's because he knows you've been good to him since you were a teenager. Besides that, he's your uncle.

Oh, darling. Professional men aren't petty about things like that. I mean, after all, my uncle isn't upset that you and Rich go to Jerry.

Of course not. But you know Jerry. He's sensitive. He thinks he's the best dentist in the whole world.

Well, he is good.

Honey, I don't know what to do. Jerry's due back here Monday. He's expecting me over there for a checkup.

Well, the only thing to do is just go to him and tell him.

Tell him I went to another dentist? It'd be like telling him I'm not his friend anymore. You-- you didn't tell Millie that I busted the tooth, did you?

No. Why?

Well, I was thinking maybe we could kind of sound her out, see how maybe she thought Jerry would react to this.

All right. I'll ask her over for coffee tonight.

Yeah, good. No, wait a minute. Instead of inviting her over for coffee, let's pack up and move away.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Butter cookie?

Oh, can I have two?

You can have 2 and 1/2 if you wish.

Oh, goodie. I get so hungry when Jerry's away.

Mill? How-- when's Jerry-- when's Jerry due back?

Sunday night. He's got a lot of patients due in on Monday.

Oh, good. Good.

What's good?

Well, I mean it's good that he's got an awful lot of patients. He's-- he's got a fine practice there, doesn't he?

Yeah, well why not? He's only the best dentist in the civilized world.

Yeah, he sure-- he sure is. Mill? How do-- how does a guy like Jerry feel when, you know, when he-- who is a good dentist, and when, say, a friend or a neighbor, somebody like that, who knows how great, you know, a dentist he is, but who doesn't use his services, you know what I mean?

Rob, you don't have to be uncomfortable with me. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Oh? Is there any more coffee in-- oh, there's the coffee. I wanted some more. I've got coffee [INAUDIBLE]. Mill, I don't think you know what I mean.

Rob, you don't have to play coy with me. I know exactly what you're getting at.

You do? How could you?

Well, you want to know if Jerry's upset because Laura doesn't go in for her dental work, right?

Yeah! Yeah, that's-- I meant that. Is he?

Oh, heavens no. He knew Laura had a dentist long before we all met.

So it doesn't upset him if a friend goes to another dentist.

Oh, of course not. Now, he'd be very upset if you left your dentist and went to him just because we're friends. I mean, Jerry believes you should go to a dentist because you have confidence in him, not because he's a friend or a relative.

Well, I wouldn't go to my uncle if I weren't happy with him.

Well, of course you wouldn't. No. You know, Jerry may make a lot of noise about how good he is. But he understands the kind of loyalty people have for their dentists. I mean, just like your uncle understands the kind of loyalty that Rob has for Jerry. Now Rob, you wouldn't leave Jerry and go to Laura's uncle.

No, I-- well, I wouldn't go to Laura's dankle. Uncas! That-- that's right. I wouldn't leave Jerry to go to-- I wouldn't leave Laura to go to Jerry's uncle. I wouldn't go-- why? I know what you mean there, Mill.

Yeah, you don't leave the best dentist in the world. Even for an uncle, you don't leave him.

No, sirree.

So nobody ever left him?

Oh, they don't leave Jerry unless they pack up and move away.

I guess Jerry's the kind of guy just move right after them, anyways.

Well, he would if he could. You know how loyal he is. Would you listen to me talking about that joker as if I liked him after that rat went to a convention and left me at home?

That's-- boy, well, that is rotten. Isn't that rotten? Boy, to do a thing like that? You know, just for that I ought to quit him. I'll quit him!

Oh, hey. Listen, would you hate me if I took this coffee and ran? Jerry said he'd call me at 8 o'clock.

Oh, sure, Millie, we understand.

OK, I'll bring the cup back tomorrow.

Good. While you're at it, bring back the other six, will you?

Yeah, I forgot. Listen, is there anything you want me to tell Jerry?

Yeah, you tell that-- you tell him I want to quit him, that rat.

That'll be the day.

Yeah.

Well, what are your plans now, Jerry or Dr. Bardhoffer?

I wish I knew. Boy, somebody once said the man's home may be his castle, but very often, his teeth are not his own.