At a town meeting focused on making the city easier for disabled individuals to navigate, Mr. Samson approaches the microphone and delivers the following statement. If you were at the town meeting, what would you think he wanted to say?
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Mr. Samson's statement doesn't use many long or difficult words, but it uses too many words. In other words, it is wordy rather than concise.
If you could read the statement instead of hearing it, you might be able to figure out that Mr. Samson was simply trying to communicate this important message: "We should be sure our community includes everyone." In his statement, Mr. Samson also meant to describe specific situations in which inclusion can be difficult. Shorter, simpler sentences would communicate both the main idea and these examples more effectively.
Which of these revisions would provide a much less wordy version of Mr. Samson's entire statement? Click the statement that you think is more concise, to reveal its effectiveness.
| Statement | Effectiveness |
| It is important that we consider the needs of those who, through no fault of their own, have been left on the sidelines, unable to participate in such programs as sports, performing arts, or even ordinary social events like parties, concerts, or public events when these events are held in locations that require people to have specific physical capabilities. | This version is a little less wordy than the original. However, many of the excess words and phrases have been replaced with equally wordy phrases. Also, just like the original, this version of the statement is one very long and complicated sentence! |
| Statement | Effectiveness |
| As a community, we must include everyone in the life of our lovely town. You should not need specific physical abilities to attend sports events, community theater performances, concerts, public events, or even your neighborhood's block party. | This version is much less wordy than Mr. Samson's original statement. It shows an effort to figure out the main point of the statement and then communicate that message using as few words as possible. |
Suppose you're preparing a presentation on national parks. During a peer review session, one of your classmates suggests that you revise this section because she had trouble understanding your point. What would you change?
Our national forests and park lands are treasures that, despite threats from various parties and interests, maintain their ability to enchant, calm, and delight the majority of Americans including even those for whom indoor pursuits, such as video games, television, and the Internet, have become an ongoing distraction from the joys of outdoor pleasures such as hiking, swimming, kayaking, angling, or even simple strolls in a natural landscape.
First, what is the main idea of this part of the presentation?
- Almost everyone enjoys America's national parks--even "indoor types."
- The Internet is keeping people indoors and on their couches.
- Everyone should get involved with kayaking and other outdoor activities.
- Our national parks are a threatened treasure--we have to act now.
The main idea of this section is communicated with these words "Our national forests and park lands are treasures that . . . delight the majority of Americans including . . . those for whom indoor pursuits . . . have become an ongoing distraction." Unfortunately, there are many other words that are less necessary.
The main idea of this section is communicated with these words "Our national forests and park lands are treasures that . . . delight the majority of Americans including . . . those for whom indoor pursuits . . . have become an ongoing distraction." Unfortunately, there are many other words that are less necessary.
The main idea of this section is communicated with these words "Our national forests and park lands are treasures that . . . delight the majority of Americans including . . . those for whom indoor pursuits . . . have become an ongoing distraction." Unfortunately, there are many other words that are less necessary.
The main idea of this section is communicated with these words "Our national forests and park lands are treasures that . . . delight the majority of Americans including . . . those for whom indoor pursuits . . . have become an ongoing distraction." Unfortunately, there are many other words that are less necessary.
Which is the most concise way to state the section's main idea while keeping at least one of the original examples?
- National parks are loved and valued by all Americans--not just the ones who own camping equipment and know how to load a kayak on a car.
- When people who prefer indoor recreation grow tired of video games or the Internet, they're likely to look to a national park as a distraction from the distraction.
- Even people who love to play video games and surf the Internet value our national parks and will occasionally wander into them to hike or look around.
- If you ask someone who spends a lot of time indoors if he or she would ever visit a national park, he or she is likely to say yes or at least maybe.
A more concise revision will communicate the same main idea as the original section--just with fewer words.
A more concise revision will communicate the same main idea as the original section--just with fewer words.
A more concise revision will communicate the same main idea as the original section--just with fewer words.
A more concise revision will communicate the same main idea as the original section--just with fewer words.
Summary
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Questions answered incorrectly:
