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Can your writing ever be too precise?

Using precise language does not mean piling in every impressive-sounding word you can find. Precision suggests perfection, and if your reader can't even understand what you're saying, then your writing is miles from precise, and far from perfect. Once you realize the power of precise words and sensory description, though, you might be tempted to go a little overboard--as Abbi did in the following sentence from her story:

student with question markWhen he heard the far-off, lonely, distant train whistle, Sam envisaged escaping his onerous and unpleasant existence for the remotest corners of the universe. But before he could depart, he initially had to lade his pate and tamp some palatable viand into his rucksack, assuring a favorable peregrination.

As you can see, Abbi may have gotten carried away with her dictionary. These slides offer a few rules that Abbi could have used to make her sentences work better for readers.

Rule # 1: Never use two adjectives when one will do.
Abbi's sentence starts off with "far-off, lonely, distant train whistle." First of all, "far-off" and "distant" mean the same thing, so she only needs one of those adjectives. Of all three adjectives, perhaps the best one is "lonely," because not only does it suggest something far away, but it also connects a feeling to the sound. One adjective, two effects. That doesn't mean you should never use multiple adjectives, of course. If your adjectives present different aspects of the modified word, then go for it.

Rule # 2: Make your words fit.
Be sure your language is appropriate for the story and for your reader. Abbi's story was meant to be read by her classmates, but it sounds more like she's expecting some literary critic to read it. No one wants to read a story they have to use a dictionary to understand!

Rule # 3: When in doubt, go for simple.
Your aim should not be the most complicated language, but the clearest. Sometimes a car is a limousine, but sometimes it's just a car. You need to decide if a more precise description is important to the piece.

Rule # 4: Once you've established your image, relax.
If you have established at its first appearance that the car in your story is a limousine, then you have given your reader an image they will stick with, and you can feel free to call it a car the rest of the time--if the story calls for it.

Question

How could Abbi revise her overly precise sentence to make it more readable?

When he heard the lonely train whistle, Sam dreamed about escaping his dull life at home and traveling into the wild. Before he could leave, though, he would need to wash his hair and stuff some provisions into his backpack, so that he could actually enjoy the trip.